


Less bright the stars of the night than the eyes of the radiant girl

by FetidCorpse



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Beau Regard, Bizarre Use of Tags by the Author, Catharsis, Confession, F/F, Flashbacks, Nebulous Timeline, Relief, Romancing the Sapphire, Schrödinger's Crimson Weasel, Something that may yet come to pass, The Xhorhouse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22984066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FetidCorpse/pseuds/FetidCorpse
Summary: Beau hears the three words she knows she doesn't deserve to hear, and it breaks her.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 6
Kudos: 99





	Less bright the stars of the night than the eyes of the radiant girl

Jester knew, she knew, something had been bothering Beau for a while. It began before they went to Kamordah, maybe long before. Sometimes Beau would stare off into the distance with a forlorn look on her face, other times she'd smile into the same distance.

Jester wasn't sure what to make of it. Almost everything she'd learned about friendship had come from the Mighty Nein. The Traveler's true nature left Jester doubting whether what worked for the Traveler would work for Beau. Beau said she hasn't had any real friends before the Mighty Nein. To Beau, family and friendship were a shorthand for sacrifice.

Beau was sullen and brittle when Jester met her. Jester had believed Beau to be healed until the group made its way to Kamordah and Isharnai's Hut. At best, they'd healed the surface wounds, the ones Beau let them see so they wouldn't dig deeper.

The Lionetts had inflicted a great deal of pain upon their daughter. Beau didn't see any worth in what she could do, didn't understand that the Mighty Nein wouldn't think less of her if she failed or made mistakes, didn't let herself hope for happiness, didn't know how to accept love, didn't believe she had earned any happiness.

Hearing Beau reveal that she was willing to leave was the last straw. She could see that Beau was steeling herself, ready to give up her happiness. If they let Beau walk into that room again, they might never see her again. So Jester acted. With spell and pastry, she worked a miracle that surprised even the Traveler.

Anything, everything, to keep Beau around.

Time had been short. They crossed the continent. Jester wasn't sure what it meant, her anger at Beau's willingness to sacrifice, at the Lionetts for what they'd done to Beau, at Isharnai for cursing Nott and Beau's families and feeding on their misery.

She thought about it as much as she could in the hectic days that followed. She loves Beau, just like the rest of the Mighty Nein, but she doesn't love Beau, does she? The Traveler probably couldn't help with this. He's about amusement and laughter, not deeper feelings. She could send messages to her mother, but even if she used all her magic for Sending, it wouldn't be enough. There's too much to say, a thousand words wouldn't be enough.

After they saved Caduceus's family, turned Nott back into Veth, and had a few relatively calm days, Jester took some of the time to reflect. She wasn't normally the contemplative type, but it was important to get this right after she let _Tusk Love_ influence her to project the Oskar characterization onto Fjord.

The thing is, Beau is not okay. She's angry and impulsive and sad. And it's getting worse. She doesn't even sound happy when she laughs. Jester thought that Beau was moving in the right direction when she proposed pranking the stoned Stones, but now Jester isn't so sure.

It comes to a head when Jester stops by their room in the Xhorhouse to grab a snack for Sprinkle.

Beau is standing near the center of the room, not moving, staring at an unopened bottle of her family's wine. Jester doesn't know exactly what time it is, she's not Caleb, but she does know that Beau usually doesn't get day drunk alone. Between training Fjord, training herself, researching with Caleb, and whatever other shenanigans the Mighty Nein get up to on any given day, there's generally no time for that sort of indulgence.

Jester doesn't want to see her hurting like this.

“Beau!”

Beau jumps before answering, “Shit, when did you get here, Jes?”

“Just now, Beau. Are you going to drink that now?”

“I… I don't know. It's one of our, their, stronger wines.” She sighs at the admission that she is not a part of her blood family anymore.

“Can you tell me why you want to be drunk this early?”

“I don't want to hear it. His voice.”

“Your dad?” Jester guesses.

“Yeah, father of the year Thoreau...” She mimics his intonation. “ _I've not been the pinnacle of a father, just as you've been no pinnacle of a daughter_. I never realized how fucked it all was until I was at the Soul. They weren't warm.”

“Beau, I...” Jester wasn't sure what to say.

“And they punished me for my failures, but they never blamed me for their own mistakes. They never hurt me just because I was there. If they hit us, it was part of teaching us how to dodge or deflect it next time. It's the same with Dairon. She'll push me, but it's always toward something. He only pushed me down. And I don't want to hear it, remember it.”

“Beau, you don't have to. But, I don't think drinking it away works for very long.”

“I know!” She shouts. “I just don't want to feel like Beauregard fucking Lionett, right now.”

“You could change your name. I did. Nott, oops, Veth did. Caleb did. Fjord maybe did it, too. You could just be Beau. Or even Beau, last name Regard, if you want to laugh about it.”

“I actually like that idea, but it doesn't change what's wrong with me.”

“There's nothing wrong with you, Beau!”

“Of course there is, Jess.”

Jester doesn't understand why Beau is smiling at that, even if it's a sad smile.

“Jester, everything in my life falls apart. Everyone leaves. It's only a matter of time before the Nein completes the pattern.”

“Beau, I risked my life and used a spell I've never used before to keep you from leaving. If I hadn't done that, the others would have killed her to keep all of us together. We're not leaving. We know you'd lay down your life for us, but we'd do it for you, too. Even if we separate, Fjord and Caleb and Caduceus and Veth and Yasha are going to be my friends for the rest of our lives.”

“What about me?”

“I love you, Beau.”

Jester hadn't been prepared for what those words would do to Beau, but then Jester never experienced a father who used those words as a weapon.

  
“ _Your mother and I love you Beauregard. We don't understand why you would throw that away for some peasant girl._ ”

“ _Beauregard Lionett, that is not the way to speak to someone who loves you. Must you continue to disappoint us?_ ”

“ _You've made me do this, Beauregard. No matter how much I love you, I cannot have a daughter so undisciplined. You_ will _learn it from these monks if you wish to return home.”_

Beau had heard people say “I love you” in the heat of passion, or perfunctorily in response to Beau saying it to them. No one ever said it first. No one said it with their heart behind it. Her world collapsed at the sound of the words she didn't deserve to hear.

Beau froze, not believing her ears, even though she saw Jester's heart in her eyes. Jester caught her as she crumpled, eyes already full of tears, breaths tearing their way from her lungs. Her arms clasped around Jester's back above her tail and her face buried in Jester's stomach. Jester hugged Beau's head and wrapped her tail around to rub Beau's back, hoping it'd help.

After a few minutes, the weeping subsided, and Beau looked up at Jester with watery blue eyes. Her voice was ragged when she eventually found it. “I love you, Jess, so much. So damn much.” She pulled herself up, so that she was looming, just a bit, over Jester. “Jester, I need to kiss you. Can I?”

“Of course, Beau.”

It didn't solve everything. Even the Traveler and all his magic couldn't do that. But Jester knew, as Beau leaned in, that Beau was moving in the right direction.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Edgar Allan Poe's Eulalie.


End file.
